Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My dick has a subreddit
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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