never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
