i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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