my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize