Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
