so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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