Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
