like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
