awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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