I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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