Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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