FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
