Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
