I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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