Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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