you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He has the fingertips of a God
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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