Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
