So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
