Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
