Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
