its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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