Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize