I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
