My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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