we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
