At least make sure they are 18
Why
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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