so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
where are you?
Hypothermia
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
