I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
