I can feel you judging me through the phone.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize