He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
