Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
