the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
