I didn't shave. On purpose
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Randomize
