All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
