Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
