Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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