I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
