If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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