i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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