life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i think my cat just said my name.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
