Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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