I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize