ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Ketchup is God's man juice
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
