after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize