I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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