Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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