fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
