How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
