Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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