K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
