found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
