Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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