I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
