You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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