I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
