So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
