she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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