Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
