What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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