I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
